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13 Jan

Young man’s obsessive ‘love’ for young lady

Dear Crystal,

My name is Waqar and I like a certain girl who is cute and intelligent in my opinion. I am a very shy guy and it is because I feel so shy that it is difficult for me to say anything to this that girl. When I first met her in a restaurant, she appeared very interested in me. She told me to meet her in our varsity campus, where we got together and exchanged different types of conversation. In the middle of our conversation, she met one of her friends, another boy. This boy tried to touch her body and hug her, which made me feel very jealous. At the time, I didn't say anything about the incident to her. Afterwards, when I returned home, I shared my thoughts with my friend and he advised that I should ask her about what type of relationship she was in with that other guy. Following his suggestion, I asked her about the other guy. She became very angry with me and stopped calling me. After waiting for two days, I tried to call her and talk to her and apologize. She then told me that the guy she met in front of me was just her friend, that there is nothing else between them. (When we first met, I asked her whether she had a boyfriend or not, and she told me that she didn’t). However, ever since that day, she has been avoiding me. No matter how much attention I try to show her, she tries to avoid me. I have told her that I love her, and she tells me that I am only a friend to her, not her lover. I’m afraid that I like her too much. All I can think about is making her my girlfriend, no matter what it takes. Could you please suggest what I can do?


Waqar

Dear Waqar,


I’m sure you know that it’s perfectly natural to find yourself attracted to a particular person – whether it’s because she’s cute and intelligent, or for other reasons, and being shy is ‘ok’. That just means shy people usually are the ones to be more careful and take more care when they do try to become involved with someone – again, there is nothing necessarily wrong or unhealthy with that at all. However, when a person is shy, sometimes it can create unnecessary and unwanted negative self-esteem issues, which is what appears to be happening in your case with this young lady. As you noted, your first meeting obviously went well, because she invited you to meet her somewhere else as well. What happened after, however, has put her in a self-defensive and uncomfortable position with you, which you need to understand. After all, you two were just starting to get to know each other and there was no obvious commitment from her toward you as a boyfriend/girlfriend, yet – and that’s fine. Having a male friend come up to her (who she obviously knew) and try to hug her is ok. Friends, especially those who have been friends for a while and who are comfortable with each other, sometimes hug – and it can mean nothing more than a friendly hug. Perhaps it looked like more than that to you, and because of that, triggered some premature jealousy on your part. By confronting her about this when you were just starting to get to know her, you came across as very insecure and very controlling – something that isn’t healthy at all, and something that will always trigger a red flag to someone, usually. And that’s what has happened. Because of that, the girl you find yourself prematurely obsessed with, has put up natural barriers – to protect herself from getting too involved with you at this point. This isn’t something you can’t recover from, as it can be used as a learning experience to help you understand what you did, and work it out within yourself so that it doesn’t have to happen again.

 
As to this particular young lady, the best thing you can do is let her go. It will show her that you may understand and are mature enough to do that, and she may or may not become interested in you again sometime in the future. However, you shouldn’t wait around and depend on that possibility. Just chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. Fill up your time with good friends and family in the meantime, and when you find yourself attracted to someone else – which I’m sure will happen – just remember what you’ve learned this time and you can prevent it from happening again. I’m sure you’ll do fine! Take care, and let me know how it goes.

 

Crystal

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