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20 Nov

She has started friending guys online

Dear Crystal,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for half a year now, but things have been turning topsy-turvy over the past month. Until now, we were so much in love with each other that we vowed we would marry.

 

Now, all of a sudden, she has started doing some things that she knows I hate by friending guys online who I know are womanizers, though they pretend not to be. I try telling her to be extra-careful, but she won’t listen to me, telling me she knows how guys are. This hurts me very much, but at the same time I still love her. If it had not been for the fact I love her so much, I would have ended this relationship a long time ago. Please help me out.

 

Anonymous

 

 

Dear Uncertain and Confused,

There are a lot of things going on with you and in this relationship that indicate you should maybe back off from a marriage commitment at this time, at least. It’s very easy when two people start getting to know each other, as you and your girlfriend have been doing for the past six months, for the initial attraction and emotions to ‘take over’ to a point that you both feel you can love each other forever, and therefore think you’re ready to make that once in a lifetime commitment to marriage. But the fact is, it often takes more time, longer than six months, for two people to really get to know each other and find out if they’re really compatible. For one thing, you have to know for certain if you can really trust her judgment and have faith in her to the point that any friendships she might have or develop are not a threat to you – which may be the case right now.

 

Grant it, I totally understand what you are saying about how she’s friending guys you know or see as ‘less than trustworthy’ and perhaps are a danger to her as well. One of the things you might try is asking her how she’d feel if you were friend girls she knew weren’t good for you. As someone who loves another like you appear to right now, it’s only natural to want to protect them, and also protect what you may already perceive is ‘yours’ to an extent. This is where it gets tricky.

 

She should definitely listen to your concerns and respect them if she truly loves and cares about you, although that doesn’t mean she has to abide by them. The whole point is to treat each other with respect and not be accusatory or demanding. After all, she’s old enough to make her own decisions, even those that may or may not always be the right ones. On your part, can you allow her to make those decisions without fear of who you are or what it may do to you? If not, then I would suggest that you definitely back off, or break off with her. If you don’t, then continuing on as it is right now can only hurt you both. You’ll continue to build up resentments and fear for what she’s doing that you perceive or even understand isn’t right, which will cause her to feel frustrated and untrusted, while at the same time your fear and resentment may continue to grow, eating at you until you eventually end up miserable and breaking up with her anyway. The ball’s in your court – and I wish you nothing but the best.


Crystal

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